When my oldest child entered middle school, I heard countless condolences and commiserations. The common misconception is that middle school must be a time fraught with hormones, identity crises, petulance, and a reduced commitment to school in favor of social life. However, I found it to be the opposite. In fact, it has been my favorite stage of parenting, as these early adolescents are beginning to have some adult capabilities, yet still retain the wonder of childhood. With the proper support, this time of growth can be a positive experience for both children and parents.
THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS
It’s important to understand the way your middle schooler is changing. Their minds, brains, and identities are growing as rapidly as when they were toddlers. They are beginning to take risks, both academically and socially, and they are looking for influences outside of their parents and family. At the same time, these early adolescents have not done a lot of introspective work, which causes them confusion and it may outwardly appear that they are constantly changing their minds.
Most educational psychologists agree that at some point in late childhood or early adolescence, children are making a huge intellectual leap. They are starting to use deductive reasoning, they make hypotheses, and are beginning to think abstractly. However, they do not do these things well, as they have so little life experience. For this reason, it is important for them to be surrounded by adult role models who can lead by example and show them how to draw proper conclusions.
Developmental psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg wrote that students in this age group need to begin to differentiate and become distinct individuals, yet they still crave belonging. As they wade through this time of growth, they need to develop confidence by achieving success in activities or school, while at the same time finding groups that accept them. Often, this means looking for different opportunities outside of the standard school-based offerings.
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WHAT’S MISSING AT SCHOOL?
At the same time these students are poised to make a huge psychological leap. A Gallup poll shows that the percentage of students disengaged in school increases every year from 5th through 12th grade. This disconnect is concerning, but a closer look at middle schools shows us some key issues.
A major concern middle schoolers face is low expectations. Adrian Furnham and Hua Chu Boo discuss this in their work on the “anchoring effect.” For middle schoolers, this means that many parents and adults still see their early adolescent children as young and are unaware of their growing capabilities. Their brains are developing rapidly, often gaining new proficiencies in a matter of weeks or months. The child you know today could be vastly different than the one standing in front of you 2 months from now in terms of their ability to take on responsibilities or think abstractly. Yet, adults are often not able to adjust their expectations as quickly.
As early adolescents mature, they are looking for “authentic” adults to model for them. In Finding the Magic in Middle School, Chris Balme stresses the importance of these adult interactions. These could be parents, but more often the student is looking for someone outside of their immediate family. Adults who show that they struggle with some things, that they are still growing and learning, and that they value truth over achievement are important people in your child’s life. Depending on the school your child attends, factors like class size may impact a teacher’s ability to create meaningful relationships with students despite their desire to, and students are often not exposed to different adults in which they can create a meaningful relationship.
Middle schoolers are looking for activities and experiences that give them confidence. As adults in their lives, we can help them find these. For some students, these are easily found within their school environment. However, unless the student plays sports or an instrument (the most common school-sponsored activities), it is unlikely they will gain this experience within the walls of their school. They are also seeking individuation and need help finding activities where they can practice this.
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It is often through these confidence-building activities that early adolescents find their sense of belonging. Friendships are more likely to be formed through experiences that expose students to like-minded peers while they feel they are mastering something. We cannot underestimate the importance of belonging at this age, so it is critical to find activities where your child connects with others.
MIDDLE SCHOOL AND COLLEGE
While most middle school parents aren’t thinking about college, several key habits and outlooks established in middle school can influence high school achievement. The most obvious might be study habits and time management, which set the stage for academic success. Middle school is the perfect time to intervene with executive functioning assistance and time management strategies.
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In addition to this, middle school coursework sets the stage for which courses a student can take in high school. It is easier to accelerate in certain areas, like math, in middle school, which can assure that a student will reach calculus by senior year of high school. This is also the time to reinforce areas of academic weakness. Stanford professor Carol Dweck also points out that early adolescents are beginning to develop fixed notions of which areas they are “good” or “bad.” Extra help and tutoring in certain academic areas can help students develop a growth mindset.
This is also the time for students to begin to explore extra-curriculars outside of the standard offerings and develop their academic areas of interest. As they develop into individuals, it is important to find activities outside of their school or local community. What opportunities lie in nearby cities? Is there a regional orchestra, a creative writing program, or a STEM-focused camp they could attend where they could develop confidence and find like-minded students?
Finally, middle school is a critical time to think about other school options. Schools are not “one size fits all,” and parents can recognize both the limits and potential of a school environment and community. It’s possible that your child may thrive elsewhere, and it’s a worthy exercise to explore other options.
FLIPPING THE NARRATIVE
By flipping the narrative on the middle school experience, parents can see the growth and potential of this time. It is exciting to watch early adolescents become individuals, and with the proper support, we can help them maintain academic excellence, become intellectually curious, and find success and engagement in activities.
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