The college admissions process can be stressful—and not just for students. For parents who are nervously awaiting the results of every application, ready to celebrate their children or grieve alongside them, this season is riddled with anxiety. But it’s not just the parents of seniors who are feeling the pressure. As my colleagues and I see year after year, the stress of ensuring younger students are on the right track, enrolled in the correct courses, adding some (but not too many!) extracurricular activities, and developing the perfect summer plan can be overwhelming in its own right. All of which begs the question: how can you best support your student, while also fostering their independence and promoting family harmony? Below, we have rounded up some suggestions inspired by the many excellent parents we’ve worked with over the past 20+ years.
How to Support Your Student Through College Admissions
Offer Opportunities, Not Mandates
It can be tempting to direct students’ behavior, especially when it seems so clear what they need to do to succeed. While rules and boundaries are a key component of successful parenting, it’s also a good idea to take a step back and see if you can let your student take the lead. Particularly when it comes to helping students identify their interests and find ways to pursue them, suggestions are generally more effective than instructions. Do you have the sense your student might be a budding engineer? If so, offer them an opportunity to accompany you to an event like Future Engineers Day. Are you struck by their talent for creative writing? Ask them if they’d like to try a short creative writing class, like one of the winter classes at Kenyon or Writopia, to see if the experience brings them joy. By framing this exploration as an opportunity for self-discovery, rather than a directive from mom or dad, you can help your student identify and find excitement in their authentic interests.
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Allow Room for Failure and Provide Support for Recovery
When students transition from middle to high school, everything suddenly “counts.” Grades, test scores, extracurricular achievements, and leadership roles all take on outsized importance, especially for students aiming for top colleges. As a parent, it can be stressful to think that a single bad grade or low test score could be the thing that keeps your child from gaining admission to their dream school. It’s impossible to guard against failure, though, and doing so risks raising kids who have not had a chance to develop resilience. Instead, we encourage parents to give your students grace when, inevitably, they experience failure—but also to provide the resources to support them as they work to recover. Tutoring can help address poor grades and test scores, while carving out extra time for training can help on the athletic field and streamlining unenjoyable extracurricular commitments can create more room to focus on important activities. By coupling empathy and encouragement with practical support, you’ll give your child opportunities to recover from disappointment on their own terms.
Keep College Conversations Collaborative
It’s all too easy for parents to take the lead on college planning. Maybe you loved your alma mater and can easily envision your child there. Perhaps you can’t imagine them thriving at a large, football-centered school when they’ve always done best in small, academically focused environments. In our experience, students value their parents’ input on colleges, but they feel most empowered when they are able to make their own decisions about where to apply. If possible, we encourage parents to take their students to visit a wide range of schools—you may be surprised by the ones your child likes best! These visits can provide the groundwork for productive family conversations about everything from a school’s climate to its cost to its mental health resources. The end result: a college selection process that feels like a successful team effort, one where parents add insights and students have agency.
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Know When to Delegate to Trusted Experts
At the end of every admissions season, we get thank you notes from students and parents that reference our guidance, our encouragement, and our role as “unofficial family therapists.” It’s no secret that students are more often willing to take advice from an unrelated expert than they are from a parent. Especially during the high school years, when hormones are high and patience is low, it can be helpful for families to have a third party facilitate conversations about test scores, extracurricular activities, and college essay topics. This isn’t just the case with college counseling; it’s also true when it comes to academic tutoring, research mentorship, and even athletic coaching. While there’s no need to outsource all activities, bringing a neutral third party in to handle stressful topics and situations can go a long way toward preserving family bonds.
Maintaining Family Harmony During the College Admissions Journey
At the end of the day, kids and parents are a team, one working together to achieve each student’s personal best outcome. As you support your teen, we’re here to support you!
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