I recently finished the book 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People by David Yeager and was struck by how relevant the content is to my work with students. I found myself highlighting so many quotes, page after page. While the book isn’t about college admissions, it could have been.
Much of my work involves helping students become more curious, independent, and confident. While admissions outcomes will always be important, I deeply value the journey and helping my students grow in unexpected ways. Just as importantly, I spend a great deal of time helping parents navigate the changing relationship that naturally unfolds during high school. Admissions often brings that transition into sharp focus. Parents want to support their teenagers, teenagers want greater independence, and both are trying to prepare for life after graduation.
Yeager’s book offered a helpful framework for thinking about this balancing act, and it challenged some assumptions about what actually motivates young people.
Why Teenagers Need a Different Kind of Motivation
One of the book’s central arguments is that adolescence needs to be seen differently than childhood. As teenagers mature, they’re increasingly motivated by three things:
- Feeling respected
- Having meaningful autonomy
- Being challenged in ways that communicate confidence in their abilities
Those ideas immediately reminded me of the students I work with every day. The students who become deeply engaged in research, writing, leadership, or creative work are rarely doing it because someone is reminding them every morning. They pursue these opportunities because they’ve developed ownership, which is crucial in the admissions process.
The Mentor Mindset and What It Means for College Counseling
One of my favorite sections of this book was when Yeager introduces what he calls the Mentor Mindset. This inspired me to think back to the incredible mentors I’ve had in my life and reflect on why their approaches were so successful.
The best mentors maintain high expectations while gradually transferring responsibility to the teenager. Instead of providing every answer, they ask thoughtful questions. Instead of jumping in and protecting them from every obstacle, they coach students through solving it themselves. Instead of measuring success by whether today’s task gets completed, they think about the kind of adult today’s experience is helping build.
I found myself thinking that this is exactly what effective college counseling looks like.
How to Put the Mentor Mindset Into Practice at Home
Of course, no framework is helpful only on the page. I’ve started to encourage many of my parents to start with curiosity instead of direction.
When your student is exploring summer opportunities, resist the urge to hand them a curated list. Instead, ask what they’re hoping to learn, experience, or accomplish. Their answer should help shape the search.
When preparing to reach out to a professor, review the email after they’ve drafted it rather than writing it for them. They’ll develop communication skills that extend far beyond this single interaction.
When they’re working on college essays, ask questions that help them clarify their thinking instead of immediately suggesting the perfect anecdote or rewriting an entire paragraph. The strongest essays emerge when students discover their own stories and learn to articulate them in their own voice.
The same approach applies to college visits, course selection, extracurricular commitments, and even managing deadlines. At every turn, parents can create opportunities for students to take increasing responsibility while knowing they have support when they need it.
Why High Expectations Are Actually a Form of Respect
Another key takeaway I appreciated is the idea that high expectations communicate respect, and teenagers often interpret responsibility as trust. When we give students the freedom to lead, we’re communicating something powerful: “I believe you’re capable.”
It’s easy to think of college admissions as the finish line, but it’s really a rehearsal. Students are practicing how they’ll communicate with professors, manage competing priorities, advocate for themselves, and recover when things don’t go according to plan.
Questions Every Parent Should Ask During High School
As I finished the book, I found myself returning to a few simple questions that I think are worth asking throughout high school:
- Am I helping my child complete this task, or helping them become someone who can complete this task independently?
- Am I solving this problem because it’s necessary, or because it’s uncomfortable to watch them struggle?
- Does this conversation communicate trust in my teenager’s ability?
- Am I creating ownership or simply compliance?
They’re deceptively simple questions, but I suspect they’d help shift some common conversations with our teenagers.
College Admissions Is a Rehearsal, Not a Finish Line
One of the biggest misconceptions about college admissions is that success comes from perfect planning. In my experience, it comes from something much deeper. Students thrive when they learn to take ownership of their interests, advocate for themselves, and develop confidence in their ability to navigate uncertainty.
Of course, these qualities take time. They’re built gradually through hundreds of everyday interactions between parents and teenagers. If I’ve learned anything from parenting my two young daughters, it’s that we won’t get it right every time. What matters most is our willingness to reflect, adjust, and approach the next conversation with greater intention.
That’s why I appreciated Yeager’s book so much. It serves as a reminder that the admissions process isn’t simply about helping students get into college. It’s one of the best opportunities we have to help them grow into capable, resilient young adults.
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Kylie’s background includes leading student recruitment and enrollment initiatives, serving as a Founding Member of the Higher Education Advisory Council at Cambridge University Press & Assessment English, and mentoring emerging leaders through coaching.
She holds a Master’s Degree in Liberal Arts and a Leadership Development Certificate from Johns Hopkins, and brings a passion for Positive Psychology and helping individuals navigate meaningful life transitions with confidence and clarity.
